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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Monday, October 13, 2003
Do I Need A Reason
by D'Sound
Today when I saw you
I knew it was just like the first time
When you met my eyes I came close
And I felt like the first time
To hold back my fear
and feel you so near
I’ve never been this far before
To hold back my fear
and feel you so near
I’m scared of falling into deep this time
Do I need a reason to tell you why
I’m singing you this song
Do I need a reason to show you that
I know where I belong
Whenever I am weary I lean on
this feeling that I have
I am so much stronger now
Thankful, yes I am
Today I’ll renounce them,
the doubts and the fears I’ve been nursing
I’ll fly like a moth to the flame
and I’ll feel like the first time
To hold back my fear
and let you come near
I’ve never been this far before
To hold back my fear
and let you come near
I’m ‘fraid of loosing and still I go
4:35 AM
I do hope he seeks that kind of life with me, too. I know that someday he'll be ready. It's funny because I used to think he wasn't the type of person I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Somewhere along the painful journey back toward each other, I saw that he was who I've pining for all my life. Sadly, I wasn't able to think that when I had him. There are times when I blame myself for everything that happened to him and to us. If I had been more caring before, he never would have sought another person's arms for comfort. But then, thinking about it, I should never place the blame on myself. Because his doing, although pre-empted by my rash behavior, was his choice. I'm talking about this because I'm trying to unearth the root of everything. Why this had to happen and what I did to deserve it. Or what he did to merit the torture. I sense that he does love her, perhaps why he cannot leave her. Maybe his love for his goes beyond his love for me. I don't really know. And up until now, I don't understand. His mind is too complex for me to delve. The best thing I can do is just wait for him to make his decisions and cross my finger that they are in my favor. When he left, I had programmed myself to deal with the loss by immersing myself in a multitude of activities. Just to forget. But he has come back, and now, all my plans for my future in solitary have gone down the drain and I'm back from scratch. In a relationship so uncertain except for the constant professions of love. It was him who told me before that love wasn't enough. I remember nearly throwing myself at his feet, crying, telling him that our love for each other was reason enough not to be apart. He made me believe in love. And in one stroke, he made me disbelieve in it altogether. His return has brought a new ray hope for me. But I face it with caution. I cannot help but try to keep something for myself this time, even though he tells me that there is nothing to worry about. I'm confused. Perhaps I can only face calm when he leaves her and assures me nothing will go wrong again. But even that is uncertain right now. I look into his eyes sometimes and see her, not me. I can't say it to his face, because he might get so pissed off at my constant nagging that he will eventually leave me. I really don't know how to act around him anymore. Whenever he's not there, I go crazy. But I forget everything whenever he's around. I forget how sad and miserable I was. I forget how wretched I feel whenever he's with her. I wish I could forever hold on to those moments we spend together. I wish I wouldn't have to feel so sick if I don't see him. All my moves are counted, steps measured. I fear he might suddenly realize I'm not the one he wants to be his truly significant other. I plan on learning to cook and be more pleasant and perhaps, motherly, so I can be enough for him. I don't really know what he's looking for. Being myself doesn't seem to be enough for him to change his mind. Fine. He says that we're working on developing our relationship. And maybe that house would definitely do us good. I just don't want to be in the sidelines anymore. I don't want to keep wondering each time what he's thinking or what he's planning. I hope I could just go on working and working and writing until I drop so all fears of breaking apart would not dare touch my head. So I would stop fearing. And start believing.
2:04 AM
I write here, instead, to escape the judging eyes of my other blog's usual readers. Rereading everything I've written, i can't help but feel sorry for myself, somehow. It was a tough battle which I fought hard but lost. Life has introduced a brand new ordeal for me to go through. I don't know if I can even classify it as an ordeal because it gives me more pleasure right now than pain. It's really difficult to write in vague sentences. I fear that this would be read one day and all my secrets would be revealed. I do not write as much because there is nothing else I could write about with passion except those on me and him. Right now, me and him, though together, is taboo. We dance in the shadows within the niche we carved our own. I know a lot of people would never forgive me for deciding to seek another chance at life with him, for truly he has hurt me more than I can ever describe, but soon they will have to accept. I am not certain which path either me or him would choose. I am hoping that the next set of choices will be made together and not individually, as what happened before. I'd like to believe that we have become one now. Because he chose to return. I pray that no more decisions will be made for the benefit of only one person, but all for the benefit of a union that was once broken and is slowly rebuilding towards something I do not know but wish to reach. I do plan on getting married to him someday. Have kids. Work. Go to the beach. Hold each others hand while children grow up into adults who, hopefully, will not go through the same problems we've had. Together, watch them deal with their own problems and, together, counsel them on the good and the bad of life. I hope we don't have to give advice about the bad. It would break my heart to see my child cry over failure to love and be loved.
1:21 AM
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