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This is where you stick random tidbits of information about yourself.
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Sunday, November 30, 2003
If all is well and the only things I need are patience and time, then why does it hurt as it hurts now? I have been trying to find reason to hold on the past 3 days. My head constantly spins as sanity and rationality seem to want to take over. The painful journey toward discovery has always led me to love. Love and the faith that it is there, somewhere, though it may take ages to capture.
I do love him. I may not want to admit it but, in a way, he has become my world. He has become the source of my strength whenever tribulations come my way. He was my guiding spirit, keeper of wisdom and bearer of my torch. I have loved him so much my life revolved around him.
And now, I can see that I have done things wrong. I blame myself for seeking him too much I forgot to live life. I also blame myself for his loss, for if I hadn't demanded too much from him, he would not have wanted to leave. Sometimes I wonder why he doesn't want me anymore. Perhaps I have become too rowdy for him. Perhaps I have become so caught up in my own problems that I neglected to look after his.
Whatever the reason is, he has gone. For the second time, he chose to go.
If this kind of thing happens to one person twice, then there is definitely something wrong with that person. There is something wrong with me. I keep asking myself what I did that was so wrong for him not to want me again. But alas he has chosen to keep his reason to himself.
I asked people around us to shed some light into my 3 days of darkness. They all said the same thing, that he probably needed space and that I should just wait for him to come around, because he eventually will when his life begins to settle down. I was told that it my decision to stay. And I would if I knew there was something to look forward to. I would gladly endure it.
Right now, I don't know anything. The future is bleak and all I have left is faith that he WILL return. I wish he would. I cannot live without him.
9:59 PM
Monday, November 24, 2003
I believe now is the time to admit that I am getting tired of the setup I’m in. Guilt is the proper word for what I am feeling right now. So many lies have been said just to cover up what I thought was the ultimate love that could take away all evil and eternally bathe me in warm, pure light.
I was wrong. For now, this is all I could say. I was left dumbfounded by such person’s recent actions. I do not know how my words can bring comfort to the excruciating pain within me.
Sadly, despite the sorrow, I have not cried. And me not shedding a single tear is reason enough for me to believe that the love has gone under and replaced by pure contempt. Springing from a failed promise and out of dependence, emotional, physical and maybe even material.
As I write this, I am inclined to predict that I will eat some of the words I said here. Especially when he again wields his armory of soothing words and assurances. I am but a slave to him. That’s what I am.
I cannot escape. No matter how much I desire to whenever he becomes the person I hate. Because in the end, he has taken with him more than what I have left for myself.
2:26 AM
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
The relationship has, indeed, gone from bad to good. I don't know how to say this but I've never felt so insanely wretched and happy at the same time. Wretched because I know it will take time for him to leave her. And happy because I know, deep down somewhere, his heart beats for me.
The question remains, though. WHEN? I have constantly been hounded by a lot of people seeking answers to the ultimate question. I really don't know. Honestly. And though I plead and weep and roll repeatedly on the floor in pain, I will not get the response I crave.
Maybe he does know when. Maybe he does not. But that's besides the point. Because what I am right now is a person who is more concerned about her own welfare than of others. Death has become of my ability to dream and keep the faith.
Funny, for him, I still do. Sometimes. I cannot even control the myriad of ideas that enter my head whenever I think about him. Both good and bad. Most of the time painful and sad. Every inch of my aches to be with him, and the hurt becomes more excruciating every time I think of being by him and he cannot spare time to be with me. Because he has to be at work. Or with her.
I hate her. I hate somebody I haven't even met. I wish that sometimes a great fall would come over their lives and throw them apart, in despise of each other, someday. But I know that's an evil thing for me to think. Because he waits for her to realize, in calm and in acceptance, that life does not define their union but OURS. And that calm is followed by civility, and possibly, friendship.
Yes, they would still be talking to each other. I can sense it. And maybe, when the time comes that he's with me and she's elsewhere, I will feel extremely jealous when he converses with her. I can picture it in my mind. I wish when that happens, either we go far away, or she does.
But what the hell am I saying? The world is small and there is absolutely no escape from each other. I dunno. I'm confused. My mind is a constant state of disarray. Incoherence defines me more often that rationality.
Perhaps I have gone crazy.
12:45 AM
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